11 years later

Today 11 years after the worst terror attack on our nation I am reflecting on it.

Where I was.

I was 13 years old and in the 8th grade on September 11th 2001. I remember walking into homeroom from earth science class. I looked up and at first i thought we were watching a movie. I was shocked. Attacks on our country were something we would read about in our history book not something we would ever see.  Being in a military town we were scared what if our base was a target. We all wanted to go home but they wouldn't let us. Word came that base had been put on lock down. This just added more fear. As the daughter of a firefighter and a Jr firefighter I was even more heart broken as I realized how many of my brothers and sisters gave up their life so that other may live.

My visit to ground zero almost 2 years later.

Even as a 14 year old the emotion in that place was to strong. When my aunt and uncle took me to the city on my summer visit I knew I had to see this place. As i stood there looking though the fence at this hole and scare still fresh I was over come. I cried as i ran my fingers over the names of those we lost.  I was able to talk to a firefighter who was there who reminded me to smile and be proud to be an American.


How it effects me today.

11 years later it still effects my life. I am now the wife of a soldier who is currently deployed to Afghanistan. This attack is what moved us into a war. A war that is the reason I cry so often, Why I sleep alone with a pillow that smells like him. 11 years later I am still scared because of the events of that day. Now I fear what if. what if i never hear his voice again what if i never feel his touch or taste his kiss. I never thought that 11 years later this would touch me so personally.

As i end this I ask you all to take just a few moments not just today on the anniversary but everyday to say a short prayer for those who lost someone they love that day, for the men and women of our armed forces, for the families that are at home missing them, for our nation, for those who have paid the greatest of prices for their country, the gold star families and wounded warriors. These people are an amazing example of what the American spirit truly is.

longin

R&r is so close in about a week ill be in the arms of my love. But whats on my mind right now is a baby. I long to be a family so badly. My chest hurts i feel like this apartment is just 4 walls that holds all our stuff not a home.  maybe its cuz my soldier has yet to walk in that door. I want to feel a child grow inside me The pain of labor and the joy of birth

remember

As military wives it can get hard for us not to judge. It gets so easy to forget how to show compassion.  We  have all been in a spot in our military life were we got angry when we should be showing compassion.  Your husband is deployed. It has been 6 months since you have seen or kissed him. 2 months since you saw his face for more then 5 min without the net crapping out and 2 weeks since you have heard from him at all. You log into your facebook and see one friend back home crying cuz her boy friend is goin to move 45 min down the road. You see a friend who is married to the air force bitching about her airman's 4 month deployment. You see a newer army wife whining cuz her husband is going on a 14 day tdy to MO.  In the mid of deployment your self you just want to yell at all these gurls to stop crying cuz they got it easy. But before you do stop and think. Chances are once in your life you were heartbroken your bf was goin to a diff school in the next county. You were prop very sad when your husband went on tdy and you had to live without him for 2 weeks. These lil separations broke our hearts before we lived a deployment. Stead of blowing up with a OH YOU THINK THAT'S SO BAD I'M.......... stop and remember what it was like before the army and  how a week apart hurt so badly. Comfort you friends dont push them away. yes there loved one may only be gone for a weekend 2 weeks or couple months but there are lessons you have learned surviving a deployment you can share with them to help ease the pain of being apart. BEING AWAY FROM THE ONE YOU LOVE HURTS NO MATTER WHY HOW LONG OR FOR WHAT REASON.

Hard hit

The last week or so has been a very emotional. We lost a guy. This has been hard all around. Trying to help my soldier cope from so far away is hard. I attended the memorial here on post. I held it together for most of it. But the first shot was a bullet to the heart really driving home some hard truths. The thought that it could be anyone of my friends or even my husband next. That there is a real possibility that he could not return home to me. My 24th birthday is soon to come. I am not sure if i want to celebrate or ignore it till my love returns home on r&r in a few short weeks.

what the movies dont show

The movies make being married to a soldier look so romantic. but here is a short list of what they dont show....
Waiting for a phone call that never comes
Finding that one hidden dirty shirt 2 months after he leaves and cuddling up with it just to smell him
sleepless nights
the worrying
the nightmares
sitting in his car crying cuz its the last place you were alone together
the checking skype and facebook to see if any of the other guys at the fob are on cuz if they are you no hes at least alive
randomly breaking down in tears for no reason
reading and rereading all his texts left on your phone
the panic when there is an unexpected knock at the door
the gut wrenching feeling when you see those white buses
panicing when your cell dies and you dont have a charger
refusing to move his shoes from the end of the bed cuz you want it to feel like hes ther
going to weddings without a date and watching everyone dance and kiss
the list goes on and on but still with all this pain and sadness i wouldnt trade it for anything

This deployment is wearin me down this army life is tirin 3.5 months in and its no bwtter all i do is cry i miss him i need him home safe

catch up mostly deployment

So its been a few months and wow this life as thrown some crap at us in this time. I feel I need to write a catch up blog mostly for myself so when I look back on this in the years to come I don't forget somethings.  I want to start with the worst day of my life its been over 3 months since my hubby kissed me and said see you later, but just thinking about it i tear up. The morning they were to leave I woke up and it was hard not to start crying right then. We get there and they have postponed them 48 hours. I was thankful for borrowed time. 2 days later i was here I got dressed and we got to the company at 0600. I was fine all laughs and jokes with my husband and our friends. Then at 0900 they formed up and 1sg had them put there ir flags on. This hit me all i could think is "its real this is really happening" then it was time to hang around more we went to the dfac and had breakfast. then at like 1000 they drew out their weapons. it was more hanging round more dreading more waiting. Then at about 1230 they loaded our guys on buses to take them to the gym for the see off. I was very blessed to have a few good friends come to the gym and support us. Once there we got a lil more time. I Kissed him one last time before he fell in and i set down in the bleachers already crying. As i sat there looking at this man i love I couldn't hardly breath I was in racking sobs and my friend and i were just holding each other. I still believe we were the only thing stooping the other from running out there and kissing them again. Then the national anthem was played and in that moment I was never prouder. Proud of my husband for the job he so willingly does, proud of our army and proud of the USA and all it stands for. I will never forget that moment. I remember watching him pick up his weapon and march out of the gym my heart split in two. I went out side and watch as the "white buses of doom" drove away taking my soldier off to war. the rest of that day was full of random bouts of crying Like when i went to go see our friends and i drove around the village they live in on post lost cuz id nvr driven there myself. When i finally got there i knocked on the door when P. opened it i just burst into tears saying "i couldnt find your house Hubby always drives what am i gonna do for a year I need him" all poor P. could do was put his arms around me give me a big hug and lead  me into the livingroom and sit me down next to his wife who just hugged me while i cried my eyes out. As the days went on i became numb I would cry less and less. I pushed myself to go out and enjoy the company of other women. I slipped into a new norm one where I never leave my phone in the next room, where i sleep with a laptop in my bed turned way up just incase. Where a 6 digit phone number makes my heartspeed up :) I have been swamped at times with the frg and now im gonna start volunteering at the uso. As well as babysitting for the wives who have kids so they can have a lil down time. This week we had an frg steering meeting and we started talking about things that need to get ready for homecoming. That was exciting we realize that soon we will be at the half way mark and there is alot to do and it will be hard to do over the holidays so we are startin now.  I have gotten very close to some of the other wives and they truly are a blessing. I moved into our new apartment and I'm enjoying it just wish he were here to as well. I think this post is to long so I'm gonna stop here. i promise to try harder to keep this updated not that anyone reads it. Oh today makes us 50% of the way to r&r

Like any army wife I fear deployment. I fall to my knees in tears uncontrollably without warning. There is one thing I focus on and look forward to when it gets hard. Homecoming. This in its self was made for the movies. When the nightmares wake  me and i cant stop shaking I close my eyes and picture standing there waiting then the joy of seeing him in front of me.  I picture the amazing kiss and the happiness of having him home, it always works for cheering me up 

We they moved deployment dates again. Thankfully it was back to what it was. So if this sticks I get my hubby for our 1st vday. The cries are still coming as well as the nightmares. Even with it being pushed back there is so much that needs to be done and no where near the time to do it all. Lots of stuff going on with the frg in the coming weeks plus looking to get our tax money back. That will be a major blessing. I have to get my car up and running before he leaves.

The last few days were just amazing. The marriage retreat was much needed. The seminar was Mark Gungor's laugh your way to a better marriage. It was funny and insightful. I was glad to put this deployment on the back burner for a bit and enjoy a romantic couple days with the love of my life. We also got to spend lots of time with our best friends. I am so thankful for this army family. They have made this so much easier. Before we left town thursday we went and got on the waiting list for post housing. I can not wait to get our own house. We have roommates who drive me totally nuts. Im gonna get off here for now and spend some time with my soldier :)

Today we had our first pre-deployment brief. This made it all seem so much more real. I set there and heard words that Ive been hearing alot lately like power of attorney and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. In a matter of weeks I'll be at this alone. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the ideal of a year going to bed without him there to hold me. I won't be able to pick up the phone and text him when I'm having a bad day. Two weeks is the longest we have been apart since we got together, so a year seems like an eternity. I know this will only strengthen our marriage, but I don't want to do it. My father raised all four of his children with a strong sense of duty and service over self. I keep telling myself that I am serving my country in my own way by being willing to part from the man I love so that he can fight this war. I find myself turning to the Lord more and more each day for the comfort I need. The next bit is more for me to look back on over the coming months then anything.  


 Scriptures of Strength

“Be strong and courageous, for the LORD will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

“The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace” (Psalm 29:11).

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). 

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26).

^“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints” (Ephesians 6:10-18).

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

Scriptures on Fear“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4). 

“The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1).

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?” (Psalm 56:3-4).

“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord” (Psalm 112:7).

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

“For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you” (Isaiah 41:13).

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God…” Isaiah 43:1b-3a.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34).

 ”For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).

 Scriptures of Peace“I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep; for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal” (Isaiah 26:3-4).

 ^“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:4-7).

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27).

 Scriptures on Trusting the Lord“I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken” (Psalm 16:8).

 “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD” (Psalm 27:13-14).

“If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the LORD, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone” (Psalm 91:9-12). 

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you” (Psalm 33:20-22).

“But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds” (Psalm 73:28).

Scriptures of Hope“Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5b).

“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you” (Psalm 33:20-22).

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:11).

“I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2).

“The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing” (Psalm 145:13b-16).

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4).

“We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many” (2 Corinthians 1:8-11).

“God has said, ’Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you’” (Hebrews 13:5).

Scriptures of Comfort and Compassion“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all” (Psalm 34:17-19).

“By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life” (Psalm 42:8).

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling” (Psalm 68:5).

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble . . . May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us–yes, establish the work of our hands” (Psalm 90: 14-15, 17).

“The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing” (Psalm 145:13b-16).

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your Bottle. You have recorded each one in Your Book” (Psalm 56:8).

Scriptures for the Daily Grind“ . . . May the Lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other” (Genesis 31:49).

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth” (Psalm 46:10).

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalms 118:24).

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

“Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever” (Matthew 6:9-13).

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (Romans 12:12).

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

“Love is patient and kind, always trusts, never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:4).

 “Three things will last forever—faith, hope and love—and the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13 NLT).

 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” (James 1:2-4, The Message).

 “[God] has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time” (2 Timothy 1:9).

“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me” (Psalm 139: 7-10). 

This is me

This blog is to be the story of my life as wife to a soldier in the United States Army. Let me tell you a little about me.  I am 23 years old. I married my husband  on October 8th 2011. We are staring down the barrel of our first deployment together. I am the secretary of our units FRG(family readiness group) I try to stay positive, but like any wife in my shoes I have my fears. On top of that we found out I have cysts on my ovaries and a mass on my uterus.  Tomorrow we have a pre-deployment briefing. I look forward to seeing what I learn. Then this weekend we have a marriage retreat. I'm looking forward to a weekend in a nice hotel with my husband as well as gaining new tools to help our marriage. Not only are we facing the stress of this deployment. I recently had a miscarriage.