11 years later

Today 11 years after the worst terror attack on our nation I am reflecting on it.

Where I was.

I was 13 years old and in the 8th grade on September 11th 2001. I remember walking into homeroom from earth science class. I looked up and at first i thought we were watching a movie. I was shocked. Attacks on our country were something we would read about in our history book not something we would ever see.  Being in a military town we were scared what if our base was a target. We all wanted to go home but they wouldn't let us. Word came that base had been put on lock down. This just added more fear. As the daughter of a firefighter and a Jr firefighter I was even more heart broken as I realized how many of my brothers and sisters gave up their life so that other may live.

My visit to ground zero almost 2 years later.

Even as a 14 year old the emotion in that place was to strong. When my aunt and uncle took me to the city on my summer visit I knew I had to see this place. As i stood there looking though the fence at this hole and scare still fresh I was over come. I cried as i ran my fingers over the names of those we lost.  I was able to talk to a firefighter who was there who reminded me to smile and be proud to be an American.


How it effects me today.

11 years later it still effects my life. I am now the wife of a soldier who is currently deployed to Afghanistan. This attack is what moved us into a war. A war that is the reason I cry so often, Why I sleep alone with a pillow that smells like him. 11 years later I am still scared because of the events of that day. Now I fear what if. what if i never hear his voice again what if i never feel his touch or taste his kiss. I never thought that 11 years later this would touch me so personally.

As i end this I ask you all to take just a few moments not just today on the anniversary but everyday to say a short prayer for those who lost someone they love that day, for the men and women of our armed forces, for the families that are at home missing them, for our nation, for those who have paid the greatest of prices for their country, the gold star families and wounded warriors. These people are an amazing example of what the American spirit truly is.

longin

R&r is so close in about a week ill be in the arms of my love. But whats on my mind right now is a baby. I long to be a family so badly. My chest hurts i feel like this apartment is just 4 walls that holds all our stuff not a home.  maybe its cuz my soldier has yet to walk in that door. I want to feel a child grow inside me The pain of labor and the joy of birth

remember

As military wives it can get hard for us not to judge. It gets so easy to forget how to show compassion.  We  have all been in a spot in our military life were we got angry when we should be showing compassion.  Your husband is deployed. It has been 6 months since you have seen or kissed him. 2 months since you saw his face for more then 5 min without the net crapping out and 2 weeks since you have heard from him at all. You log into your facebook and see one friend back home crying cuz her boy friend is goin to move 45 min down the road. You see a friend who is married to the air force bitching about her airman's 4 month deployment. You see a newer army wife whining cuz her husband is going on a 14 day tdy to MO.  In the mid of deployment your self you just want to yell at all these gurls to stop crying cuz they got it easy. But before you do stop and think. Chances are once in your life you were heartbroken your bf was goin to a diff school in the next county. You were prop very sad when your husband went on tdy and you had to live without him for 2 weeks. These lil separations broke our hearts before we lived a deployment. Stead of blowing up with a OH YOU THINK THAT'S SO BAD I'M.......... stop and remember what it was like before the army and  how a week apart hurt so badly. Comfort you friends dont push them away. yes there loved one may only be gone for a weekend 2 weeks or couple months but there are lessons you have learned surviving a deployment you can share with them to help ease the pain of being apart. BEING AWAY FROM THE ONE YOU LOVE HURTS NO MATTER WHY HOW LONG OR FOR WHAT REASON.

Hard hit

The last week or so has been a very emotional. We lost a guy. This has been hard all around. Trying to help my soldier cope from so far away is hard. I attended the memorial here on post. I held it together for most of it. But the first shot was a bullet to the heart really driving home some hard truths. The thought that it could be anyone of my friends or even my husband next. That there is a real possibility that he could not return home to me. My 24th birthday is soon to come. I am not sure if i want to celebrate or ignore it till my love returns home on r&r in a few short weeks.

what the movies dont show

The movies make being married to a soldier look so romantic. but here is a short list of what they dont show....
Waiting for a phone call that never comes
Finding that one hidden dirty shirt 2 months after he leaves and cuddling up with it just to smell him
sleepless nights
the worrying
the nightmares
sitting in his car crying cuz its the last place you were alone together
the checking skype and facebook to see if any of the other guys at the fob are on cuz if they are you no hes at least alive
randomly breaking down in tears for no reason
reading and rereading all his texts left on your phone
the panic when there is an unexpected knock at the door
the gut wrenching feeling when you see those white buses
panicing when your cell dies and you dont have a charger
refusing to move his shoes from the end of the bed cuz you want it to feel like hes ther
going to weddings without a date and watching everyone dance and kiss
the list goes on and on but still with all this pain and sadness i wouldnt trade it for anything

This deployment is wearin me down this army life is tirin 3.5 months in and its no bwtter all i do is cry i miss him i need him home safe

catch up mostly deployment

So its been a few months and wow this life as thrown some crap at us in this time. I feel I need to write a catch up blog mostly for myself so when I look back on this in the years to come I don't forget somethings.  I want to start with the worst day of my life its been over 3 months since my hubby kissed me and said see you later, but just thinking about it i tear up. The morning they were to leave I woke up and it was hard not to start crying right then. We get there and they have postponed them 48 hours. I was thankful for borrowed time. 2 days later i was here I got dressed and we got to the company at 0600. I was fine all laughs and jokes with my husband and our friends. Then at 0900 they formed up and 1sg had them put there ir flags on. This hit me all i could think is "its real this is really happening" then it was time to hang around more we went to the dfac and had breakfast. then at like 1000 they drew out their weapons. it was more hanging round more dreading more waiting. Then at about 1230 they loaded our guys on buses to take them to the gym for the see off. I was very blessed to have a few good friends come to the gym and support us. Once there we got a lil more time. I Kissed him one last time before he fell in and i set down in the bleachers already crying. As i sat there looking at this man i love I couldn't hardly breath I was in racking sobs and my friend and i were just holding each other. I still believe we were the only thing stooping the other from running out there and kissing them again. Then the national anthem was played and in that moment I was never prouder. Proud of my husband for the job he so willingly does, proud of our army and proud of the USA and all it stands for. I will never forget that moment. I remember watching him pick up his weapon and march out of the gym my heart split in two. I went out side and watch as the "white buses of doom" drove away taking my soldier off to war. the rest of that day was full of random bouts of crying Like when i went to go see our friends and i drove around the village they live in on post lost cuz id nvr driven there myself. When i finally got there i knocked on the door when P. opened it i just burst into tears saying "i couldnt find your house Hubby always drives what am i gonna do for a year I need him" all poor P. could do was put his arms around me give me a big hug and lead  me into the livingroom and sit me down next to his wife who just hugged me while i cried my eyes out. As the days went on i became numb I would cry less and less. I pushed myself to go out and enjoy the company of other women. I slipped into a new norm one where I never leave my phone in the next room, where i sleep with a laptop in my bed turned way up just incase. Where a 6 digit phone number makes my heartspeed up :) I have been swamped at times with the frg and now im gonna start volunteering at the uso. As well as babysitting for the wives who have kids so they can have a lil down time. This week we had an frg steering meeting and we started talking about things that need to get ready for homecoming. That was exciting we realize that soon we will be at the half way mark and there is alot to do and it will be hard to do over the holidays so we are startin now.  I have gotten very close to some of the other wives and they truly are a blessing. I moved into our new apartment and I'm enjoying it just wish he were here to as well. I think this post is to long so I'm gonna stop here. i promise to try harder to keep this updated not that anyone reads it. Oh today makes us 50% of the way to r&r